AD Oneshots
by vindictive-much
Summary: A series of oneshots about Arrested Development. In the first one, Gob attempts to explain a food product. Warnings: Language, sexual content, drug use, incest, slash, randomness and stuff that makes no sense.
1. The Origin of Lays Ketchup Chips

AD Oneshots

Summary: A series of oneshots about Arrested Development. In the first one, Gob attempts to explain a food product. Warnings: Language, sexual content, drug use, incest, slash, randomness and stuff that makes no sense.

Disclaimer: I do not own anything!

XxX

Chapter 1: The Origin of Ketchup Lays Chips

"How the hell did they come up with ketchup flavoured chips?" Michael wondered out loud, "Did some guy put ketchup on a chip and decide to put the two together?" Lindsay was currently going through a phase of stress eating due to her divorcing Tobias and had gone to the store today, coming back with bags of junk food. Michael had just suffered an unfortunate mishap at his mother's once again leading him to ask, "Why haven't I shot myself yet?" and decided to grab a bag of chips and plant himself in front of the tv for a few hours like a normal person usually did.

The only problem was Gob, who had been hanging around him all day, and Gob, thinking Michael was asking that question seriously, decided to explain his theory, "Well I guess it happened like this. Hold on" he went into the kitchen and got a bottle of ketchup out of the fridge, returning to the living room and picking up the bag of Lays Ketchup chips, "So Lays went to a party one night and got (bleep)faced and had too much angel dust" he said, holding up the bag of chips, "And Ketchup was also (bleep)faced, and since she just got out of a bad relationship with Dijon Mustard she wanted to 'explore her options'"

_"What is he doing?"_ Michael thought, though he couldn't help but be a little amused as Gob proceeded to act out the scenario with the bag of chips and the ketchup bottle.

"So they get to talking, and then to making out and all that other stuff," Gob continued, smashing the bag and the bottle against each other, "And the next morning they don't talk much because Lays is kind of a 'player' and just wanted some ass. Then a week later Ketchup calls Lays saying that she's pregnant, and Lays says to abort it," _"Story of my life..."_ he thought momentarily before continuing to act out his little performance, "But Ketchup is Catholic, so she keeps the baby and then nine months later we have Lays Ketchup chips"

He put the bag and the bottle down on the coffee table and sat down beside Michael again. For a moment his brother's expression was blank, before Michael did the most unexpecting thing ever. He smiled a real smile, and not just smiled, but laughed to. All of a sudden Michael was doubled over with laughter, "Oh my God, thanks to you I'm not going to be able to even look at chips or ketchup for a week" strangely enough, something about how Gob used that sort of scenario for food was... hilarous.

As for Gob, he was overjoyed that he was able to make his brother laugh. Michael hadn't laughed in years, "Wow, the robot's actually showing emotion" he joked before throwing his arms around Michael and hugging him. For once, Michael didn't mind this.

"You know, this would pretty much make you the chips a few hundred times over, huh?" Michael chuckled.

"Yeah, I know"

XxX

lol. It's 1:30 in the morning. It was kind of based off of a comic strip on deviantArt, except there it was Lays and ramen noodles. I believed that something that random and odd would be enough to make Michael laugh, especially if it was Gob.


	2. Gob's Blasphemous Prayer

AD Oneshots

Summary: A series of oneshots about Arrested Development. In the first one, Gob attempts to explain a food product. Warnings: Language, sexual content, drug use, incest, slash, randomness and stuff that makes no sense.

Disclaimer: I do not own anything!

XxX

Chapter 2: Gob's Blasphemous Prayer

It was Thanksgiving at the model home. The whole family had gathered for dinner, and since Bland, I mean Anne, was there the family decided that maybe they should say grace to keep her from getting all annoying and religious, "His girlfriend is going to be there, and you know how Egg gets about stuff like this," Michael had said, "It's just a few words to keep her from getting more annoying than usual"

"I'll do it if I get to say the prayer" Gob had said. Michael knew he would regret agreeing to it, but at that time he was willing to do anything to keep annoyance to a minimum. Now here they all were at the dinner table. Gob was about to speak and Michael was filled with anxiety.

"Hey, Anne, my uncle Gob is going to say grace" George Michael said to Anne.

"Wow. That's unexpected, considering what a sinful bastard he is" was all she had to say.

Then Gob spoke, disreguarding Anne's comment. Nobody was prepared for this, especially not Michael. Gob began with, "Our brother, who art in the Bluth Company building, Michael be thy name. Thy sanity come, thy will be done in LA as it is in the OC"

"Please don't call it that..." was all Michael could say, _"What is he doing?"_ he thought.

"Give us this day our daily lecture, and forgive us our screw ups, as we forgive those who screw up against us, and lead us not into being ourselves, but deliver us from insanity," he then proceeded with his version of the sign of the cross, first point at Michael and saying, "In the name of the emo," then at Lindsay, "The slut," then at Tobias, "And the closet gay. Oh come on!"

There was a moment of silence before Anne's shrill screech of, "That's blasphemy!" broke it, and everybody's ears.

"Yeah, well you're ugly" was all Gob had to say.

"Have you completely lost your mind?" Michael asked, "What are you, drunk?"

"Why yes I am," Gob said, leaning back in his chair, "Merry Thanksgiving, you (bleep)ers"

Michael knew he would regret it, and he did. If Gob wasn't going to hell for all the things he'd already done, this sacrelige sure would have done it.

XxX

There's number two. Sorry it took so long. Had a bit of writers block.


	3. Lindsay is Humiliated

AD Oneshots

Summary: A series of oneshots about Arrested Development. In the first one, Gob attempts to explain a food product. Warnings: Language, sexual content, drug use, incest, slash, randomness and stuff that makes no sense.

Disclaimer: I do not own anything!

XxX

Chapter 3: Lindsay is Humiliated

That was it! He had been ignoring it for too long! Lindsay wasn't going to stand for Michael refusing her anymore. She knew he was attracted to her. He was just being a hard ass and denying it. Why wouldn't he want her? She wouldn't take one more second of it, which was why she had just barged into the confrence room during an important meeting, "Michael, I have to talk to you!"

Michael simply glowered at his adopted sister before going back to ignoring her. He was in no mood for tolerating her ridiculous behaviour. She was becoming more pathetic than Gob. Hell, her shameless flirting and near-stalking was far below Gob. Okay, maybe not the stalking, but still. Lindsay, not giving up that easily, dragged Michael by the collar out of the conference room and to his office, closing the door behind them, "Why won't you (bleep) me!!" she all but screamed.

"Why won't you let this go!?" Michael shouted. This surprised Lindsay. Michael had never yelled at her before. What had gotten into him?

"Because I know you want me, too" she answered. Michael scoffed at her and rolled his eyes. He had never been so annoyed with someone in his entire life, not even Gob!

"What the hell gave you that ridiculous idea?" he asked.

"Well, you were always nice to me, even when I had my old nose, and you did once say it was a struggle to not have sex with me"

Michael stared at Lindsay in disbelief before continuing with his explaination for not (bleep)ing her, "The key word being 'nice', and don't you know sarcasm when you hear it?"

"That was sarcasm?" Lindsay asked, a bit hurt.

"The part about sex, yes, it was," Michael answered, "You're my sister, Lindsay, and I'm not going to have sex with you just because we aren't really related. I'm sorry but I don't feel that way about you"

"But why not!?" Lindsay whined, "I overheard you saying yesterday to Buster that you felt like a hypocrite about the whole situation with George Michael and Maebey. You obviously have feelings for me, why else would you-"

"Fine, you want to know the truth?" Michael was through with her whining and complaining. He didn't care what the concequences of telling her the truth were, "You want to know why I won't (bleep) you? It's because I'm already (bleep)ing Gob! Well actually, he's the one (bleep)ing me, but the point is that's why. I'm dating my brother"

Lindsay was in shock. She stood there in the middle of the office for a good fifteen seconds not moving before she came up with a good enough reaction to make Michael feel guilty. She then proceeded to start fake crying, covering her eyes and making sobbing noises. Michael, however, did not fall for this, "I'm not buying it, Lindsay" that was when she decided to get pissed off.

"Why Gob!? Why did you choose Gob over me!?" she asked as she grabbed Michael and shook him.

"For one thing he didn't just pounce on me all of a sudden," Michael answered, "And I love him. He pursued me for years and I eventually caved. I know it's wrong because we're actually related, but... I guess I just decided to let myself be happy for once" what Michael was saying made a lot of sense, but... it was Gob!

"You know he's probably going to cheat on you, right?" she asked.

"We've been together for three months, Lindsay. He hasn't cheated on me once during our relationship," Michael answered, "Lindsay, I love you, but just as a sister"

"Why do I always fall for the gay ones?" Lindsay sighed.

Michael stared in disbelief for a moment before saying, "Lindsay, I am not gay. I mean, the only man I've ever been with is Gob, and even then it was weeks before we went all the way" so typical of Michael.

"It still makes you gay for Gob..." Lindsay said, sounding a bit like a sulking child.

"Yes, it does, and I think that you should learn to accept that" Michael said, starting to calm down a bit. He had a feeling that dealing with his family would one day lead to a massive stroke. He guessed that all he could do was wait, since abandoning his family never seemed to work.

Unfortunately Lindsay's next action was even more immature as she slapped Michael across the face. As Michael stood there in shock, Lindsay walked away, flipping him off. Michael wasn't sure but he could've sworn he heard her mutter, "Stupid fag" he had a bad feeling about this. He'd just told her that he was with Gob, and he had no idea whether or not she'd keep that promise.

XxX

"Hey, George Michael, guess what I found out today," Lindsay said to her nephew. If Michael thought he was going to get away with this bull(bleep), he was wrong. She'd had a few drinks and her anger towards her brother was miles away, but she still wanted revenge. And what better way to get it than through Michael's son? "Your dad and Gob are gay lovers"

George Michael looked at her for a moment, shocked at what she'd just said, although he had a good idea of why she was doing this, "Aunt Lindsay, I know you're drunk and mad at my dad, but that doesn't mean you can go around saying that kind of stuff about him"

"No, no, I'm serious," Lindsay said as George Michael walked away, "Your dad told me himself. Ask Gob, he's too stupid to keep anything a secret" Lindsay tried several more times that day to tell members of the family about Michael and Gob, but nobody believed her. That was until George Michael caught them in the staircar.

XxX

There you go. Another chapter. lol. Poor Lindsay, I never seem to let much good happen to her.


	4. Christmas With the Bluths

**AD Oneshots**

Summary: A series of oneshots about Arrested Development. In the first one, Gob attempts to explain a food product. Warnings: Language, sexual content, drug use, incest, slash, randomness and stuff that makes no sense.

XxX

Chapter 4: Christmas With the Bluths

Every year he tried, and every year he failed. He would not let it happen this time. Every year since they were teenagers, Gob would attempt to kiss Michael under the mistletoe, but never succeeded in his plan. The worst part wasn't that he wanted to kiss his brother, it was that a couple of times he did kiss his brother but it was the wrong one! Buster knew about Gob's feelings for Michael, and that it was Michael Gob wanted to kiss, and was thankful that Gob was cursing the both of them in his head while it happened and after went to the washroom to throw up (somehow kissing Michael and kissing Buster were two very different things to Gob). Everybody in the family noticed what Gob always tried to do, but they always assumed it was a pathetic attempt at embarrassing Michael.

The worst thing Gob ever did during those attempts was the one year that he had to kiss Tracy. Gob didn't think that he would be able to make it to the bathroom to throw up. He'd always despised Tracy because of Michael's 'love' for her. Gob never wanted to believe it was real, the kiss or who out of the two of them was more important to Michael. Michael was calm about Gob kissing Tracy, because he saw how embarrassed and sick Gob seemed afterwards. Michael didn't know, however, that what Gob wanted was the opposite of embarrassing Michael.

This year Gob planned on it being different. The Bluths were having a small family Christmas party at the pent house and while Gob was helping to decorate (he volunteered just for his plan to go well) put up some extra misteltoe. He wanted to kiss Michael as badly as George Michael had wanted to kiss Maebey while there was still that awkwardness between them (he wasn't as dumb as people thought he was. He knew what was going on). The closest Gob ever got was over a year ago; that incident with the CD he made for Michael. When Michael told him how their father was right and they should stick together, Gob got all emotional like he always did, and he started singing to Michael. Then he leaned him back and tried to kiss him. Their lips brushed for a mere second before their mother came up to them and he had to let Michael go, letting him fall on his ass. Michael actually looked relieved.

While the party was underway, Gob kept looking over in Michael's direction. Why was it so hard to aproach him all of a sudden? This was his little brother, who he practically threw himself at constantly. Now he couldn't even remember half of his plan, and it was a fairly simple plan. He felt like an adolescent that was too nervous to talk to his crush. That was somewhat true. Although what he felt for Michael was a hell of a lot more than a crush, he was still mentally a teenager, literally. He was like Peter Pan chasing after Wendy, and he felt ridiculous because he knew why things never change. It was because he was afraid. If he moved on he was scared that he'd lose Michael. He wanted things to be the same. He didn't want Michael with some woman. He wanted Michael to himself. He wanted those moments in which he felt like he actually meant something to his brother. He didn't want them to drift further apart.

"Just do it already" he heard Buster say from behind him. Gob turned to face him, startled. He'd been so lost that he didn't even notice Buster was there.

"Are you kidding me? Every year for twenty years I've tried to do this and every time it fails," Gob said, "And even if did he'd probably kill me"

"Gob, at least you have a chance with Michael. I don't have a chance with anyone thanks to this (bleep)ing thing" Buster said, holding up his hook.

"Buster, I don't have a chance with Michael. He'd never let me kiss him," Gob responded, "Let alone anything else I want to do to him"

"Yes you do!" Buster insisted, "It's obviously destiney, even if you guys are related. I mean, you didn't lose interest in him even after twenty years. It just needs a little push. Just leave everything to me. Go stand where there's a lot of mistletoe and let me take care of everything else"

"Uh... okay" Gob didn't even have it in him to argue. Besides, it was rare that Buster wanted to get directly involved in the whole situation with Gob and Michael. What else did he have to lose anyway? Gob chose to go where there were less people as to avoid as much embarrassment as possible, and soon Michael reluctantly walked over to him.

"Gob, Buster said there was something important you needed to ask me" Michael said. This was it. Gob wanted it to be different this year, and it was going to be no matter what. He grabbed Michael and pulled him into an embrace. Michael knew right away what was going on when he looked up and saw that damn mistletoe, "Again!? Gob, every freaking year you do this" Michael tried to squirm out of the other man's embrace, but Gob wasn't about to let Michael go.

"Come on! If you let me do it I might stop. Did you ever think about that?" Gob said. Michael hated to admit it in this kind of situation, but Gob was right. He stopped squirming and sighed in defeat.

"Fine. Let's just get this over with" he said. Getting it over with was not what Gob had intended and it was not going to happen. One of his hands came to rest at the back of Michael's head as Michael slowly but surely let his guard down. This was it. After all these years of waiting and hoping Michael was going to let him kiss him. This meant there was at least some hope for them to be together. Maybe a kiss wasn't all that was going to happen tonight. Maybe Michael would begin to actually love him. The moment their lips touched Gob felt complete. The void in his life had just been filled, even if only for a moment.

Michael felt... weird, but in a good way. The only other time he'd ever felt so awkward was the time Gob tried to kiss him. In fact, if Michael wasn't so stuborn Gob's actions probably would have won him over. Now, this was just too much. He'd never been this confused. He liked this. He liked being kissed by his brother. He didn't know why, but that didn't freak him out as much as it should have. The kiss lasted briefly, but it was over for only a moment before Michael brought his lips back to Gob's.

Gob was drawing a blank. Michael actually wanted to keep kissing him, and he couldn't have been happier. The two men didn't even realize that someone was seeing them make out, "Oh my God!" George Michael gasped, "Dad, what are you doing?"

"Well look at it this way, George Michael. Now Gob will finally stop doing this every year" Michael explained, then leaving Gob's arms and walking away. That was when Gob's heart shattered. He'd gotten what he wanted, but then it was taken away. This was even worse than not having it at all. It was like accomplishing your greatest goal, then waking up to find that it was only a dream. Gob spent the rest of the night sulking.

XxX

Gob decided to leave the party early. He couldn't stand being around Michael after what happened. It hurt too much. As he walked out the door he felt someone behind him. It was probably Buster, about to give a few worthless words of encouragement, but he was wrong. Gob turned around to see Michael standing there, closing the door behind them. Gob didn't have anything to say to him. What could he?

"I'm sorry" Michael said.

"For what?"

"For what I did," Michael answered. Gob felt his heart sink. Michael was sorry for what happened, "I'm not sorry for kissing you. I'm sorry for what I did to hide it" before Gob could say anything, Michael was kissing him. That hope came back to Gob. He had hope that Michael did love him, as more than a brother. How could he be so stupid anway? Of course Michael had to hide something like that from George Michael.

"I knew you loved me" Gob said as soon as they parted. They stood out there in the hallway, holding each other until Gob took it one step further, "At the risk of ruining the moment..." he brought one of his hands from Michael's back down to Michael's ass.

"That is so typical of you" Michael sighed. He might have been pretending he was, but Gob knew that Michael wasn't really bothered by it.


End file.
